I was on a public bus when a woman got on with her young child and before they even sat down she was berating him for everything from the way he scrolled on his phone to telling him what he should be doing at that very moment:
‘You should be napping right now so you’re not cranky later!!
She told him he was very inconsiderate, and didn’t do anything right. Was she really describing him or was he a reflection of her own lack of self-esteem?
I wondered how long it would take before his self-esteem was trampled to the ground. I don’t doubt that she loved him as much as she was capable of but she needed to love herself first in order to reflect love, not recrimination, toward him. I guessed the child was about four.
But even if the problems that were affecting her son stemmed from her own problems, if she truly loves him and wants his behavior to improve she can give him a ‘love / correction / love sandwich’:
- Imagine a sandwich made of delicious homemade bread with mayonnaise, lettuce and tomato and all the things you love on the bottom slice.
- Then there is a not so savory ‘correction / suggestion’ you don’t much like in the middle of the sandwich.
- Then it’s topped with a beautiful slice of toast smothered with your favorite sauce, pickles or garnishes.
The top and bottom slices are pure love and gratitude for what the child is able to do at his young age and every successful thing he can accomplish. The middle of the sandwich offers him a correction for something he needs to work on. And this is topped with more love and appreciation for his unique being.
The base of the sandwich is the most important part because it reinforces the emotional body. The correction or suggested behavior will start sinking in as a more successful way to handle things he has been failing to handle and the top layer of the sandwich gives him reassurance that he is loved regardless of what happens and an assurance that he will get better and better at what he does.
The bread and garnishes are the healthiest part for the child’s self-esteem and every bite has this message: I love you as you are but there are behaviors that are not helping you. The improved behavior would help everyone involved and you will always be lavished with love..
No matter how stressed, mothers can correct behavior with love so the child knows it is not them but the behavior being questioned:
“You are getting very good at scrolling on your shone so practice going slower to pick up little treasures you are looking for to help play the game better. You’ll soon become a great expert in finding clues.”
When they got off the bus, I caught the little boys eye and gave him a huge smile as I waved goodbye to him. I could feel his self-esteem growing stronger.